The Unwritten

An open letter and an opinion piece.

It’s been so long since I’ve written something that I think I’ve forgotten how to write. It’s rather fearsome to, you know, tread waters that have been left uncharted for a long time. But there is this tingling feeling in my fingers that wants me to write, yet again, I can’t. I do seem to start off pretty well, then suddenly I’m at a loss of words or even thoughts, like an impasse. I apologise from now itself in case you find this a little uncanny or weird. But you never know, this pre-eminent tingling in my fingers might actually astound you. Oh, who am I kidding! Just keep reading if I’ve been able to hold you on till now. I might actually have a few things to say about this escapade of a life.

I’m just 19 but this world still seems to be a maze. I’ve lived for so many years, yet I’m lost. I just can’t seem to find my way. It’s a question I ask myself at least a gazillion times a day. I'm certain it's relatable to most of you who have either been through this phase or like me, are in one.

How can one even get through this place? What is this place? Why are we here? Is it just a big dream we’re all waiting to wake up from? If yes, then it is unfair for those who awaken from this dream earlier, or as some might argue, unfair to those who have a deep sleep and don’t seem to wake up anytime soon. Why do we live in a vicious circle that nobody can seem to break? If not here, then where? If not this, then what? Don’t get me wrong, but what are we all doing in a place where no one seems to have the answers to any of these questions? I am scared of the unknown, so obviously, in an ideal world, I would know everything. Unfortunately, this place is far from perfect, so these unanswered questions, the unknown, scare me. What is life? What is death? It profusely scares me. The unknown. The uncharted. The enigmatic. Okay, let's drift away. If I continue to let my mind wander in this paragraph of thought, I’d be swimming so deep down that I could never leave and fail my exam for tomorrow. But you get where I’m going with this. I just hope I’m not alone, or else there is something seriously wrong with me as a nineteen-year-old.

I am so tired. I am not even aware of what I am tired of or from. Am I tired of waking up every morning ? Or just sit here all day, listening to people say things I barely understand? Am I tired from the reckless yet monotonous cycle? Or am I being lazy? Although some might beg to differ, I do not think I can be called lazy to want to step aside from this cycle. So weary, that it feels like it is sucking my soul away. I might sound a bit dramatic, but it is the first time, ever, that I have felt so reckless, lost and exhausted, that I just do not feel like doing anything.

At times, I get tired from doing nothing at all. It baffles me. I used to be happy, extremely happy. I used to find happiness in small things of life, but now even that does not seem to suffice. Now that it has almost been 2 years since this vicious cycle has swallowed and consumed me, I am even tired of being crotchety. There has got to be a way out, and I need to find that because I miss my old self. I miss the happy, playful me.

So, let me start by breaking this thought and moving on to the next. You see, I don’t like dwelling on one thought for too long. Let me try making magic from the mundane, huh?

Why do people not talk about the things they love anymore? They do, but it is minuscule. I wholeheartedly believe that just merely thinking about what you love can brighten your day. The things we love doing is something that gives us a joy one should experience more often. The day we make our lives happier is when the world would actually become a better place. Everybody out here is so consumed with their worldly pleasures or commitments that they have completely forgotten about things that can bring pure and winsome happiness. As for me, running brings me joy. I like running, with loud music playing, into the wilderness or even a garden in Bombay. I feel this crazy rush clears my head of all the worthless matters that fill up my mind and stain it. For those few minutes, I can’t get myself to think about anything at all. This is something every person should experience, to understand the peace an empty mind can bring.

There is music. There is something so soothing to hear a song that one can ridiculously relate to. The feeling that the song has been perfectly curated just for you makes you realize that you are not alone. For me, eating is another one of my happy places. It makes me feel alive. I like eating until the point of throwing up (my physical appearance might surprise you but nevertheless). And oh, of course, there is our magnanimous universe. It is alluring. It is one of the only things that doesn’t seem to stop amusing me. The nothingness yet the wholesome and homely feeling is something you could go on experiencing and it would never tire you. The stars, the moon and the nebulae are the perfect things to make you realise that our world is so small. We are minuscule. And this would just make our thoughts and our worldly affairs so worthless. It is time for people to start experiencing these little joys that would help us never stop dreaming. After all, we are all just stardust, waiting to feel at home.

When I began, I did mention that I usually reach an impasse. So, here it is. I hope that this letter reminds you to rethink life like you always did. I hope I am not alone in this process of understanding and shaping a life. I hope I can pass my exam for tomorrow. I hope. All we can do is dream and hope.

Your friendly but confused Bombay girl,

Maryam Mozayan.